Architecture by Glenn Murcutt (Rank amatuer)

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Skinny Tim, inventor of Guinness-in-a-biscuit, gives you the ultimate Guide to Hep:

STEP 1: The Garden

As I'm sure you'll agree - there is nothing that says "The people that live in this house are exceedingly Hep" like a tyre swan in the front yard (unless it's a broken down and rusted 49 Ford for the kiddies to play in - see our Hep car section).

Everyone talks about the fifties being a time of fantastic design and flair, then refers to chrome toasters, fins on cars, and the old kelvinator... but for me, these majestic guardians of the suburban family home take pride of place.

These masterpieces of Australian Art used to cover the suburban landscape, and I for one think it's a damn shame that they seem to have all but disappeared. We at Legend Feel Co. think it's way past time for a come back. So go get yourself an old tyre and revitalise Australia!

To make a tyre swan:

Mark out the design on the tyre and cut it out. A Stanley knife is good enough for most things and probably the authentic way of working - but they are Goddamn sharp, and tyres are funny creatures when it comes to cutting - so do yourself a favour and get a jigsaw.

The design is really just a head shape and a neck about 10cm wide. Leave about a third of the tyre uncut, then turn the tyre inside out and it will splay out to form the swan.
Get some fairly sturdy wire (a trusty coat hanger will do the job just fine), and run wire under the neck to hold it in place. Paint it (white or pink) then sit it in the most prominent part of the garden (on either side of the driveway works a treat). You may even want to place a pot plant on it's back, or even bury it a little to stop some bastard stealing it.

To make a tyre chicken:

Do the above, but use a smaller tyre, the ones that come off vespas and light aircraft.
Tyre chickens can make wonderful adornments to your inner city flat or back yard, not to mention flower boxes and windowsills.

To make a tyre Pterodactyl:

Do the above, but use a dirty great tyre off a furgusen tractor, or an open-cut mining truck. An open cut-mining truck tyre costs about $25,000, which is a small price to pay if you want a Hep house.

A zillion and 23/10

LFC-reporters Joanie and Pete Purcell sent us this image to prove how much Canberra residents are embracing the Legend Feel Co guide-to-Hep.

Canberra's Commonwealth Park, is currently displaying the new 3-D scale models for the Department of Australian style.

The new ministry, planned for construction in 2006, is going to be an enormous tyre swan, based on top-advice of Skinny Tim (who will also become Minister of Australian-style, and no-doubt get an O.A.M. in the process)
Prominent Australian Architects are showing their designs for the building, and skinny Tim will pick the winner in December 2005. Which will be me.

STEP 2: The entrance hall

Right now you have people's attention with the lawn, you had better not let them down with the interior. The first thing you will need to do is get your wanking spanners on a fifties poster.

The obvious poster to go for would be a Tretchikoff, however recently people have gone nuts over these and the price of one of these has gone up considerably. You can pick up one of these at any good second-hand shops for a couple of hundred bucks, but if you rummage through your aunties house when she's at bowls then you're sure to find one in the cupboard.

You can also get your hands on The Nymph by JH Lynch (bottom right) these days too. These tend to be pretty rare, so good luck.

Anyway, you never know what you'll find once you start looking. A mate of mine has a poster of Burt Reynolds, and even that's pretty Hep when you think about it.

A zillion/10

STEP 3: Throwing out the ikea shit

If there is one thing dead certain about Australian style -- the last place you would look for it would be Sweden. Out with the Ikea stuff. From now on all your home furnishings will have to come from Second-hand stores; jumble sales; your Aunts place in the country; the Salvation Army or just off the side of the road on council collection nights.

We reckon you should be able to sell your Ikea gear for about fifty bucks and completely re-furbish for about twenty. The rules are very simple:

1. Never buy anything made of chipboard.
2. Never buy anything made after 1977
3. Only buy things that posses the following: Laminate, Bakelite or Anodised metal.

5 million/10

STEP 4: Stocking the cupboards

There's not much good if all this effort is just for a new exterior, you have to work on the interior. Having a healthy diet is all very good, but a good dose of liquid culture can do wonders. Depending on where you live, it is reasonably easy to get your hands on KB and Reschs DA.

The best thing about drinking these beers is that they are nice not-too-fizzy beers. This means they are easier to drink faster, and providing all your furniture is laminated, you can drink quite a lot in one sitting. There are governments regulations involved with promoting excessive drinking, so we better keep our heads down. Give it a go. If you start wondering where all your Ikea furniture went, you've had enough.

Don't forget, you also have to eat Hep food, here is what you should buy:
1. Iced Vo-vo's
2. Vegemite
3. Bread
4. Meat
5. Tinned Spaghetti
All these taste great with beer. AND TALKING OF BEER...

STEP 5: Stick a beer can up a chook's blurter!

INTRODUCING THE BEER-CAN CHICKEN ROASTER!
Skinny Tim (and Skinny Times' dad) have been working hard out in the shed and come up with the ultimate in cooking, as it actually involves cooking with alcohol, something that has been a fascination with Tim for as long as I have known him.

All this is true by the way.

All you do is stick a can of KB up a chooks dung-funnel and chuck it in the oven, and the best thing is, it keeps the chook moist, even if you pass out whilst watching an Elvis video, when you wake up that chook will be as moist as a fishes' wet bits.

Anyway, you can check out the genius that is THE BEER-CAN CHICKEN ROASTER, on www.beercanchicken.com.au, and we'll keep you posted when Skinny Tim comes up with another complete pearler. Rumour has it Guinness-in-a-biscuit, Scotch finger biscuits and Gin-tams are not too far away. Just another another reason as to why Skinny-Tim deserves an OAM Medal.

In the meantime if you see a bloke trying to stick a beer-keg up a cows' mud-button then you know that it's just skinny Tim thinking-big.

A zillion/10, if you don't beleive me, bash a can up a chook's shoot and get back to me.

There is no point in even having a house unless it is Hep. There are whole TV shows dedicated to renovating your house, but the very night Bruce Gyngall uttered the words "Hello Australia, welcome to Television" Most people were already living in complete and utter style. So why look further?

Read on and learn, this is the stuff that lets the outside world know you're Hep, even when your not home.

Joanna Griggs doesn't know shit about style, and everyone else on Australian Television knows considerably less, so here is a list of people of whose advice to ignore:

1. Jamie Durie
2. Noni Hazelhurst
3. Don Burke
4. Agro
5. Anyone on Backyard Blitz

In fact:

6. Anyone on television