is for those without style’. Quentin
Crisp. Famous Nancy, and cod-awful dresser.
is more certain than people constantly asking us 'How do you
become Hep?' Well that hippy Neil Young once said 'as soon
as you mention the word "Mystique" you have none'.
Nothing could be closer to the truth, as much the same goes
for 'Hep. 'Hep' is effortless, 'Hep' is reductionist, 'Hep'
is something you are, not something you wear. Having said-that
if you are Hep on the outside, the inside is sure to follow.
OK Ready? Off we go...
King of Rock'n'roll displays a fine pair of triggers during
his peak. Only an idiot could think of out-Heping the
If you have decided to become
Hep, the first thing you ought to consider is getting yourself
some side burns.
Nothing, and I mean nothing,
says, "Christ on a bike
that cat is Hep" like a decent set of hammers on your
chops. Side burns do come at a cost though; they require
regular grooming, your in-laws and work-mates fail to understand
you; and you probably ought to be male. If you are one of
those poor people who cannot grow sideburns, never mind,
and keep reading on, as there are other ways to be Hep...
King of Sideburns
was of course, Ambrose
whose sideburns not only
heralded the birth of Hep,
but, gave his own name
to the cause.
King of 'Do's'in the fifties was was of course, Johnny
Johnny Didn't actually know what not being hep actually was.
Didn't need to.
Now we're entering the stratosphere
Now I don't want you to think that 'Hep' is in anyway 'Dandy'
in which seemingly heterosexual men seem obsessed with their
grooming, but let's face it, there have been some pretty
wacky hair styles over the last fifty years, from Mohawks
and ‘Prince Valliants’ to mango-pips, but nothing
has yet surpassed the simplicity and style of the 'quiff'.
A 'quiff' can take a bit of time
to get the hang of, but well worth the effort. All you need
is some Bryl creem,
a comb and a half-decent mirror.
Skinny Tim had a quiff-to-die-for' ever since he was in
kindergarten. A quiff also has its drawbacks though; they
can take up to
ten minutes to get ready; they hate rain, and you must
have hair. After you have had your quiff for about a year
your hair becomes naturally trained and you even wake up
with one in the morning, which is a neat trick.
And buy a Razor:
Stubble went out with George
Michael, Don Johnston in the eighties, and out again with
Russel Crowe quite recently.
In the 50s and 60s everyone was clean-shaven, even
winos and the homeless found time to don a suit and
their face. (Most still do by the way!) And for Christ's
No Beards; no goatees and no moustaches, side burns
are the only acceptable facial hair in the world of
The best product
to use in your hair is by far brylcreem and if you
don't believe us, just check out this fantastic ad
from the 50s. if you just click on the "Dear Sir" button
to your left and you should be fine, and get ready
for that promotion sir!
we say more.
Bettie Page tattoo is probably not a bad place to start.
Now we're REALLY into the realm
of true Hep.
Nothing, and I mean nothing,
says "OK, you are a hell
of a lot Hepper than me in my cargo pants and Hyundai, have
my girlfriend" than a good tattoo.
But if you are going to get tattooed,
get it done properly, i.e. don't get a piece of Chinese script,
one inch square,
tattooed to your arm, go the whole hog and get the following
done: Bettie Page, Elvis, A pin-up girl, a flaming heart
and your car. Just don't tell your mum.
this is what we're talkin' about, if you're going to get
a tatt, get a good one.
This is a tricky one. There are
a lot of people who are against this kind of behaviour, but
hear us out.
The main thing to realise is
that no one died of smoking before about 1970, so if you
want to be a part of fifties
Hep, go for it.
Smoking in the fifties was the
norm, James Dean, Rock Hudson and Elizabeth Taylor all smoked
in the movie Giant, and
they all came to sticky ends from NON-smoking related
activities, i.e. Car crash, AIDS and becoming friends
Anyway, some people reckon smoking
is not Hep at all, but what would they know, ask someone
with a tatt,
sideburns for their advice, they'll set you straight.
Besides there is nothing Hepper than non caring if
you live or
die, except maybe The Dukes of Hazzard on DVD.
a lesson from this fella, he didn't even know the risks
the fifties smoking made you taller, more handsome/beautiful
and cigarettes were chockers with Vitamin C, D and E.
has only ever been two hep people to ever wear athletic gear, Evlis
in Change of Habit, and John Travolta in Grease,
and you are neither of them, so don't even try wearing sporting
Chuck Taylor shoes, and Levis Jeans and side burns]
If you have decided to become
hep, you will have to get rid of the following things from
your wardrobe, take it down
to Vinnies, so some poor bastard can don it, while you
are out getting some new glad-wrags for yourself.
1. Any kind of Sporting apparel
Including shoes. Sporting wear,
has never ever, been hep, and rest-assured, never will. This
too, like Mambo, Rip Curl and all the other shit you
pay a fortune
Let's face it Nike's total market
120 million obese people
200 million heroin addicts
600 million people who are just too fricken lazy to do
up a belt.
There is only one exception to
this and that is Converse All-star, Chuck-Taylor basketball
shoes, which were
designed in 1917, so purely by longevity, are pretty
You can wear sporting apparel if you comply
with the following two criteria:
1. You are an athlete.
2. You are, at this very minute, training
Whilst noble in intent (as they
are made of recycled milk bottles, the most stupid of inventions
anyway, as there was not much wrong with glass ones), polar
fleece has turned a nation of finely dressed individuals
in to slobs. I was in Ulladulla the other day, hoping to
stumble across a few cool threads and all there was polar
fleece vests and Jackets in every shop in town. Sad.
You can wear polar fleece
if you comply with the following two criteria:
1. You are, at this
very minute, in a SUB-ZERO environment, freezing your
arse-off, and you look like you might die if you don't pop
something warmer on.
Why anyone would elect to wear
a polo shirt is beyond us, but still people do (why anyone
would play POLO is the obvious
question I suppose). Only golfers and 'yachtsmen' wear polo
shirts (the latter always turn the collars up to look even
more stupid than actually required.
Once again there is an entire generation
of men out there who look like complete trough lollies simply
by being too
to do up a few buttons here and there.
||minus a zillion/10
is only one thing to wear during the working week, and that
is a good-old fashioned
You might want to wear something like this (especially if you
want guys to fall all over you.) The things you might want
for would be: Gingham, twin-sets, pill-box hats, Hawiian-print
dresses (cotton dresses in general), all capped off with a set
of white gloves.
A bit bonus with all this gear is
the availability, there are some rockin’ shops in your
inner-city areas, Like Route
66 and the like, who stock this
stuff, but even better, you can get your white gloves on the
original gear dead-easy. The thing in your favour is that (a)
These dresses were pretty well-made in the first place, and that
(b) Most girls take their fashion advice off Australian Idol,
and therefore wouldn’t know ‘Style’ if it knocked
their booty-licious arses off. Simply check out any St. Vincent
De Paul shop or Op-Shop and you’re bound to walk out in
something pretty Hep, no worries.
Don’t forget, think-1957 now,
and it is far more sexy to ‘conceal than to reveal,’ besides
there is always the weekends where you can vamp-it up a bit…Areeebaaaa.
||About a mega- gazillion/10
is as 'Hep' as anyone illegally downloaded from Google
could ever aspire to be.
What this all boils down to is this,
talk it up, no-one cares how Hep you are, if you aint hep
to terms and phrases.
of by using hep expressions like "saddle-up", "low-down" call everyone "cowboy",
or "cowgirl", call tall people "stretch" and
call fat people "slim"; "Mate" is a dumb
Australian word used by John Howard and Ray Martin, use "buddy" (actually
Nick Cave once called me "Mate" so I might have
to re-think that). You get the point.
Act "hep" try out the
Whenever you go to a pub, order a "fifty-fifty" this
is half Tooheys old, and half Tooheys new. Only Hep people
drink these. And old ladies
(see our whatever happened to...?
Never, ever, finish a discussion unless you have mentioned
one of the following topics "Faron
Young" "Hank Williams (one, or three, according
to Skinny Tim, two was a tosser)" "Johnny Horton" "Wanda
Jackson", "Live at San Quentin", or "They're
a weird Mob". Google all of these.
Get a home brew kit, and drink beer whilst washing your "new" car
||It's about time
you realised that 'hep' does not have its limits. Like
8. Travel in style.
Only the un-Hep travel without
applying the simple ethos of The Legend Feel Co. Style is
If you have to travel, for God's
sake do it in style. If your car is made after 1974, sell
it, and buy a Hep one.
We have an entire page dedicated to this topic, so click
here to choose a 'new' car.
Never, ever, catch a bus. This is so un-Hep is barely needs
Never, ever, go anywhere by cruise
ship, this once was the realm of the Hep, but times have
changed, and only complete
fuckwits and gang-rapists travel on cruise ships these days
(UNLESS they're over seventy, in which case they can be pretty
funny), just watch the Love Boat if you need any confirmation.
Only catch a plane if you absolutely
have to. "The Jet-Age" was
one of the Heppest periods of time ever, but then like anything
else, the seventies came along a de-Hepped it. There is very-little
Hep about plane travel at all, except you can drink alcohol
on board. The same can of course be said for cruise ships,
so let's factor that out.
Catch a train. God this is Hep.
Train travel is the only Hep method of transport left on
the planet, and it is sooooo
Hep. Trains are fantastic, they are slow, relaxed, you can
chill out and watch the world goes by, listen to some smooth
tunes, and talk to all the oldies about Sir Robert Menzies.
Also all the people on board are a damn site Hepper than
those on planes and Ships, as we've established.
You can also behave like Cary
Grant and Eva Marie-Saint in North by Northwest, and get
up to all kinds of "tunnel
and train" shenanigans of your own.
be ridin' the train to 'hep' all the way daddy-o!
Coming soon: What you CAN keep in